Devastated

And it's over before it began. I got the call on Sunday morning from one of the embryologists that things were looking pretty behind compared to where they should be. There was hope for one embryo but they wanted to give it an extra day. Sure enough, yesterday morning they rang to say that the last one had given up the fight. We are absolutely crushed. I don't know that I have ever felt sadness like it, it feels like it's going to suffocate me.

We both took yesterday off work, went for a drive, went to see an afternoon movie and then came home and had pizza and wine for dinner. We haven't eaten pizza since last June and haven't had a glass of wine in about 6/7 weeks but it was little consolation. We threw everything we had at this. I feel like I have no more tricks up my sleeve. There is nothing that I could have done differently.

I went back to work today and there were minimal tears. I feel a small bit better but I'm ready to put my feet up and disappear into Netflix again for another few hours. Anything to escape for a while. I'll try and get back into a routine in a few days but for right now I'll allowing myself to just feel sad and do nothing.

M is taking the review phone call with our consultant on Thursday. I'm upset to miss it but I can't answer my phone and talk in an open plan office space and I'd rather save my time off for our next cycle (please let there be the hope of a next one). I really hope he can provide some hope and encouragement so that we can get some closure and look to the future. Right now it just looks like a scary place.