Keeping on, keeping on.

Today I had my first progress check/scan. I have about 20 follicles in all, but there are some 5mm in there so I don't think they count. The biggest is 16mm and the rest range from about 12-15. They're a little concerned about OHSS for me so my Gonal F has been reduced to 112.5 and I'm back on Monday for another scan. All going well, they expect egg collection to be on Wednesday or Thursday. I can't believe how quick that is! It feels like we just started...we kind of did just start. I really hope things continue to go okay in there and that I don't hyperstimulate. I'm going back and forth between hoping they all catch up and I've lots of eggs and then remembering that I don't actually want that!

I'm pretty bloated and uncomfortable at this stage and my tummy is getting a bit beat up looking. I've a few bruises and I'm just lumpy and bumpy. It's really attractive... All day I basically live for the moment that I get to come home from work, put on something with a nice loose elasticated waist and put my feet up with a hot water bottle on my tummy. Basically, I'm channeling my inner 80 year old (not hard for me). M has been great - he has really looked after me and the house the past week and it's allowed me to kick back, relax and get some rest.

Mood-wise, I'm still feeling good. I've had acupuncture twice this week and I'm really enjoying it. I'm at the stage where I can really switch off during it so it's great to relax. I'm still trying to get a bit of yoga in too to quieten my mind when it's needed and also get a bit of a stretch to let the blood flow. That's about the extent of the exercise I've been getting this week. Fingers crossed my ovaries keep doing their thing in there and in the meantime, I have a busy schedule of yoga and hot-water-bottling to get to...

This is not me, but it accurately portrays 

how I feel about my hot water bottle...

So far, so good

Today is day 4 and so far, things are going well. I've done 6 injections and tomorrow morning we add in the cetrotide so that'll bring me up to a grand total of 3 per day. Admittedly there were tears and a major attack of the nerves on the first day (and the second a little bit...) but by last night I was down to a minimum of squeaks and no tears so I'd call that progress.

Gonal F is a walk in the park. I can feel the needle going in but there's no pain. I also ice my tummy for about 10/15 minutes beforehand so that might be helping. It makes me feel like I'm doing something anyway so I'll keep at it regardless (the ice probably stings more than the needle!). The luveris a bit more of a challenge. There's definitely more of a sting to it but again, it's over quickly enough so it's nothing to worry about. I have a big problem with needles so I really feel that if I can do this, anyone can.

Mood-wise, I'm feeling good. Better than I felt this time last week to be honest. I'm not sure if it's a case of relief at finally feeling like we're doing something proactive, but I feel absolutely fine. I've been doing plenty of yoga and I find that helps, along with the acupuncture...so all in all, I feel quite calm about the whole thing. I'm aware that this could change at any second so I'll enjoy it while it lasts. Next week will bring it's own challenges so I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. One thing I will say is that I am TIRED. It is seriously draining stuff. Also - hungry. I'm not sure if it's my body doing extra work, or if I just finally feel justified to allow myself to be lazy and eat every hour (living the dream!). Either way, I'm trying to go with it and just listen to what my body is telling me.

Go time!

This is how I'm feeling right now... It's really happening - eek!!! My period arrived on Thursday night and we had our appointment with the fertility clinic this morning. So today is cycle day 1 (I don't get the logic but I'll go with it - probably cycle day 1 in terms of taking meds?). I had a scan which showed both ovaries looking "nice" and we both had blood taken. We begin the shots tonight. I'm so nervous but trying not to overthink it. We were lucky enough to have our lovely doctor do the ultrasound/bloods/medication lesson, instead of a nurse (who would be equally lovely, I'm sure!). He really put me (us) at ease and we even had a laugh.

So the rest of today is going to be spent curled up on the couch, in front of the fire, watching movies/boxsets and not thinking about what's going to happen at 7.30! I have two injections (Gonal F and Luveris) this evening and every evening until Wednesday, when I'll add in an extra injection in the morning (cetrotide, to stop ovulation). I'm back in the clinic on Friday to see how things are moving.

I feel weirdly calm about everything. I'm also exhausted. My sleep is still pretty bad but I'm trying hard not to focus on it and just hope that it improves, that I'm getting whatever rest I need and that the stress that's causing all my night-waking isn't affecting my body in any other way.

I can't believe it's here...It's time to be brave. I just hope I can do what I need to and that I don't let us down.

T -? days

It's the big week! Maybe... My period is due some day this week. I had initially thought probably Thursday but I feel like ovulation might have been late (typical) so I'm not sure when it'll be but it's definitely on the way. It feels huge! This is actually going to happen. Clearly I'm trying to adopt a casual, laid-back approach and sometimes it even works!

The ol' insomnia has set in...I'm falling asleep with no problems but waking up for a pleasant couple of hours of worry in the small hours and not getting back to sleep. It's hard to remain calm and levelheaded at 4am but I'm trying. I'm still doing plenty of yoga and acupuncture and my body feels quite relaxed but my mind will.not.stop.racing. I'm hoping this cycle will be broken soon and in the meantime, I'm trying to remember that a few hours less of sleep (every night) isn't going to make a difference to the outcome. It would be better if I felt well rested but it's not worth stressing over. See how easy it is to be rational at 5.30 pm? In 12 hours time, this will be a different story and I'll quite possibly be sobbing into my pillow!

All in all though, I feel okay. I think I'm ready. I'm ready for it to be over. Right on track after my last post, the worries crept in about it not working/never working/miscarriage etc. They're still floating around in my mind but I'm doing all I can to take one step at a time and cross those bridges if I come to them.

Cycle day 1 - BRING IT ON! (I think....)

Stressing about stressing

I haven't been very good at writing so far in 2016. I'd like to get better so that I have a journal of sorts about this journey. Truth be told, all I feel like all I'm doing is waiting...and waiting...and waiting. My period should start next week (I was hoping for Thursday or Friday so that I could get a Saturday appointment in the fertility clinic and less time off work) but I don't think that's going to happen. I should have ovulated by now for that to happen and I don't think I have yet. Typical!!

This delayed ovulation is just serving as another reminder to RELAX, STOP STRESSING, CHILL!!! If only it were that easy. I have to say I have to give myself an A for effort on that front though. Even if I'm not succeeding all the time, I'm definitely putting a lot of energy into relaxing! I'm still doing plenty of yoga, walking a few times a week, acupuncture etc. After a good chat (which was preceded by tears and shouting, let's be honest), my husband has been great around the house, doing things that I normally would so that I don't have to worry about them. I'm not sure what other relaxation tools I have in my arsenal? I did download a relaxation track for IVF but yesterday when I remembered that it was sitting unused in my iTunes account, the little stress monster crept in demanding to know "when exactly I plan to make the time to listen to it?" so I've put that on the back-burner. I'm stressing about stressing and stressing about relaxing. Sigh.

I don't paint a pretty picture but it's not all bad. For the most part, I'm sleeping well and soundly (very unlike me) and genuinely, lots of days I feel fine. I bit the bullet last week and let my boss know that I'd have several medical appointments coming up and I had no idea what date any of them were (cryptic!) and she was fine with it. Work and injections have been my two biggest worry-triggers so I definitely felt a huge weight off having the work worry removed. Now I just need to worry about the injections. That's it! Oh and of course the raging hormonal side effects of them. And then just the small matter of whether this all goes to plan...it turns out even I have my limits to how much I can worry about simultaneously. I'm guessing I'll make space in my mind for these new worries over the next week or two. Ah yes, it's all under control...