Kick us while we're down!

So we've had yet more bad news this week and it's gotten to the stage where we just don't know where it's going to end... It feels like every time we do a new test, or ask a question, the result is always something bad.

M got the results of the last semen analysis he did - this was after about 4.5 months of super healthy eating, a varicocele surgery and hundreds and hundreds of euro worth of supplements (that made him gag every.single.morning.). The results were worse than before. This is just so incredibly frustrating. What's almost worse is we had to chase the doctor for the results and in the end the receptionist emailed a copy of the report over! After doing everything they asked of us, spending all the money on the test and the consultations, the doctor wouldn't even have the grace to pick up the phone and talk him through them?! It makes me so angry...I feel the rage building up in me just thinking about it!

When will it stop? Will it ever stop? Or are we just going to get NO after NO until we finally give up and resign ourselves to living childless? That is just such a scary thought and I'm nowhere near ready to start entertaining it... Life feels very scary right now. I just hope we have enough sperm for an ICSI and given our multitude of problems, the next worry on my (long) list is that the fertility clinic won't even want to treat us. Please God don't let that be our next no...I feel like my heart just can't handle this!