Friday, 7 August 2015


Anger is something that I have been dealing with a lot lately. I don't just mean the obvious type of anger that I'm in this situation and the unfairness of it all (although that is a major factor here), but I have been flying off the handle at the slightest thing.

I know it's likely that all this is feeding from my subconscious, which is angry at infertility, but it is coming out ALL THE TIME. When I'm driving, God forbid someone should get in my way, drive too slowly in front of me, block an exit, sit in a yellow box etc etc. This anger doesn't tend to up and leave me when I'm out of the situation either. Even when I'm back at home, sitting on the couch or making the dinner, just the thought of someone's inconsiderateness will churn that old feeling up in my stomach until I feel like I want to scream.

In work the other day a colleague made a mistake and when I (gently) pointed it out (she was going to Fedex important documents to the wrong address), she got into a strop and was pretty rude to me. Of course I took this personally and was filled with rage at how she would DARE to imply that this was somehow MY fault. I thought about it all night and the next day when I got into work, it was as if nothing had happened (which is normal - it was a tiny thing!) but in my head the two of us had gone to war.

This kind of anger used to visit me about once a month, a day or two before my period would arrive. When I felt that feeling in the pit of my stomach and took stock of the situation and realised that my anger was misplaced, I knew that I'd be getting a visitor in the next couple of days. Weird PMS symptom perhaps, but it was like clockwork for me.

Now, however, I feel like this anger rarely leaves me. It's exhausting. I hate how unreasonable I've become. Even though I try to think it through and remind myself that I'm being entirely irrational, more often than not it's too hard to swallow it down and allow rational thinking in again. I need to come up with some kind of relaxation technique to find my zen. I used to be a big fan of yoga so maybe it's time to revisit that as a potential solution. Either way, I need to do something to stop myself from turning into a bitter old cow as I fear that's where I'll be headed if I don't get a hold on this...

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

A weekend off infertility

Myself and M went away for a night this weekend and while the hotel wasn't everything it was cracked up to be, I decided on a long overdue cheat weekend and cheat I did so I would call that a success. I had my first hazelnut latte in about 2 months and it was everything I hoped it would be!!

 I also drank much wine (though I haven't exactly given that up but I didn't count my glasses like I usually would),

ate non-gluten-free sausages, bread and hash browns and the piece de resistance.... a massive chocolate brownie, mint ice-cream and whipped cream. It.Was.Unreal! I didn't even get the guilts after it so win-win! No pictures of the food since the waiter barely got a chance to put the plate down in front of me before it was hoovered up.

I'm not sure when my next cheat will be but it takes some of the sting out of the arrival of AF to know that a small cheat is allowed. I'm thinking pizza might be on the agenda's the small things! Sigh.